I feel it only fitting with all of the company holiday parties coming up to tell you of my personal hangover cures and a few others that are out there. Now you can get piss drunk, make an ass of yourself as usual, and laugh at your colleagues who feel like shit the next morning. Then again, you did go streaking during the most recent company holiday party so you might want to keep to yourself. Please remember, there is a point of drunkenness that no pill, patch, drink, shot, etc. will cure (not that I have experienced this point), I have just read stories from others and read articles on the subject… Check out the cures below.
Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief: In college I swore by this. Alka-Seltzer’s answer to hangovers, similar to the newly released FDA approved Blowfish below. Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief is a mixture of maximum strength pain releiver and caffeine that gives you a “refreshing citrus effervescent product that is gentle on your stomach and gives you a birth of energy to get you going again.” In my experience this stuff will either work miracles or quickly come back up.
Blowfish: The newly FDA Approved hangover cure is out. No – no real blowfish in the recipe but it is indeed a sweet name. A drunk, like myself, thought he could function better with a scientifically effervescent blend of caffeine, aspirin and stomach soothers to help with the dreaded hangover the next morning. Drop it in some water and chug the next morning. Don’t believe me – at least trust the FDA – this fizzy treat is recognized by the “THE MAN” as effective. If you are still weary of the effectiveness, try a sample for a mere $2 shipping. I did, and now I’m hooked.
HANGover gONe: A tasty little 2 oz bottle of sour cherry hangover cure. The directions are to consume a shot of this for every 4-6 drinks. My problem with this remedy along with other similar products like Chasers is that you have to remember to take it while drinking. Now lets think about this – on a good night I might be consuming 12-15 drinks so I need to carry 4 or 5 of these little suckers in my pocket when I go out. Now beyond having what looks like a bulging pocket at this point, I have to remember to pull one out every 4-6 drinks……Now this is getting complicated. You expect me to remember to grab one of these out after 8-10 drinks and then again at 12-15 drinks, lets be serious…….
Bytox Patch: Trans-dermal (think nicotine patch) patch that effectively(not proven by FDA) replenishes the vital levels of vitamins and nutrients that quickly leave your body as you partake in a nightcap or two or three or too drunk and you can’t count that high anymore….. The patch is thought to restore the levels of vitamins and nutrients to pre drinking levels, and thus your physical side effects of alcohol consumption are curved. And to make it even more enticing, 0 calories. Does it really matters if a patch has any calories when you are consuming gobs upon gobs of liquid courage calories anyways?
Zaca Patch: Another topical patch that uses 11 different organic ingredients (Don’t ask me what the hell each of these do) – Prickly Pear, Milk Thistle, Thiamine, Lipoic Acid, B5, B3, Taurine, Lycopene, NAC, Magnesium, and Vitamin C – The product is supposed to help you enjoy “feel-great mornings, clear-headedness and bright eyes.” Sounds a little too good to be true if you ask me – I don’t even think if I had a sober night in, I would feel that good the next morning. Another strange thing about Zaca is a ‘popular’ area to apply the patch is the inner wrist. Who the hell is putting this patch on their inner wrist when they go out drinking? I got some on order so I will report back – who knows I might be wearing this patch the next time you see me out imbibing.
I will leave you with a couple of thoughts to be aware of regarding hangover patches.
Guys – When bringing home that lucky lady if you are wearing a patch the conversation will come up about your addiction to cigarettes. Three options here – 1. Tell a sob story about your battle with your addiction to cigarettes and meeting wonderful people like her make the fight that much easier 2. Explain you are a nerd and are wearing a hangover prevention patch and (depending on her levels of intoxication) wait for a strange look followed by a ‘what the hell, I’m already here anyways’ look 3. Tell her you heard that the patch worked as a birth control preventative for women and you wanted to be extra careful so that you didn’t have any unexpected kiddos running around…..
Girls – You are going to be way over his head trying to explain this to him. Your only real option is to say that it’s a birth control patch. In a drunkin stupor this is the only thing that might penetrate that thick skull of his. Don’t even consider telling him what it really is – next thing you know – he will be more fascinated with the patch than what he was brought home for in the first place – he will be licking it, sticking it on various body parts, and then probably passing out next to you with it on his forehead. Stick to option 1 – tell him it’s as birth control patch
Hopefully these strange, quirky, and possibly useful remedies will ease your concerns with all of the drinking you will partake in during the holiday season. Do you have a personal hangover remedy that you recommend – We’d love to hear about it.
Until next time,