When I was a kid, I remember having to open an occasional can of Coke or Fresca with a church key. We usually had pull tops, which had a ring you pulled and a razor sharp oval of stainless steel would come off with the ring to create an opening for you to sip and enjoy your favorite canned beverage. Problem was, the razor sharp scraps of metal that came off the top were severing fingers or causing babies to die or clubbing baby seals or something like that. So our Government, ever mindful about how stupid we can be with sharp objects, outlawed them. To replace the pull ring, some genius invented the contraption that we have today where you flip a tap to fold the razor sharp bit of shrapnel back up into the can.
I found out later through my many international travels that the pull ring wasn’t outlawed worldwide, and as far as we know there may be millions of them being pulled around the world as you’re reading this. Those people in Mexico and China know how to tempt fate with such a dangerous can-opening device. (You can fact-check all this if you want. If you feel the need to fact-check me about my recollection of the history of opening drink cans, then you might want to reconsider a few things about your life.)
So, anyway, back to the church key. I didn’t find out it was called a church key until well into my adult years. We just called it a can opener, and I still do. But I’ll tell you who does call it a church key, the folks at Churchkey Can Co, that’s who. In fact, they are bringing back the can that you have to have an opener to open. Which flies in the face of conventional wisdom, that having a can that you don’t need an opener to open is better. No, the old way is better! Watch the video, drinking a beer this way kicks ass! It’s way better than the vortex bottle! Far superior to watching the mountains that turn blue! Just read the tagline “It’s worth the effort”! Punching a triangular hole in your can with your own thumb muscles (and a smaller triangular hole on the other end for ventilation, kids, I’m a seasoned veteran at this) is far superior to twisting off a cap!!!! And if you lose the church key? Find a screwdriver and punch it open like your granddad did in Viet Nam! This is the greatest retro throwback old school development since hipsters decided they invented bacon!
I must say, their other tagline “First time in nearly 50 years” is a bit of a stretch. I’m not that old. But, I’ll admit, I’m going to get some, to see if it TASTES any good. I hope I can find my can opener.